Baby Steps

I apologize for the last two posts being so depressing. And I'm sorry if i left some of you hanging wondering if I made it out of the house or not a few weeks ago. I did make it to Roseville. I had fun! (Who wouldn't eating chocolate?) And I did feel a little better about it.

I have realized the center of my problem is money, as sad as that sounds.  I am not happy with my paycheck and feel like I am worth more. Lack of money has brought down due to having a hard time paying bills, not being able to afford things, and living paycheck to paycheck is depressing.  Yes, I do have my wonderful  personal sales business with MK, but its still not consistent money I can count on. Only I can fix this issue and I am now working on it. I am looking at going back to school and I am searching the job market.  Anything full time with benefits like health insurance would be fabulous!!! I realize times are hard and jobs are scarce so I am letting certain people know I am looking for a new job/career path.  But I cant let my boss know.  I think it would hurt her feelings and I don't want to make a big deal about it.  Its not her fault we will never get a pay increase (the diocese of Sacramento controls our pay just like a school board) and that my hours have been cut (lower numbers this year means not as much money). I pray when the time comes she will be understanding and won't take it personal.

Now that I just layed out I am having financial issues, I must tell you I joined a gym tonight! I wasn't going to sign up tonight, I just wanted my free week.  But dam that step class felt great!  If I am paying for it, I will definitely use it! Its less than 10 minutes from my house and right in between work and home. The manager was making deals too that were "1 day only" and I managed to get my enrollment fee waived by giving out 5 names and numbers of peops I thought would be interested in joining; I have no shame. So if they call you, please answer your phone! LOL!

Where there's a will, there's a way.  I am working on an actual budget plan so I know what bills have to be paid, what my monthly spending goes to and then what money I have left for odds and ends.

I am making myself wake up in the morning and go to work.  I will make myself go  the gym a minimum of 3 days a week (with a goal of 5 days a week). I will make myself stop spending money I do not have. I will take time to make myself look pretty (look pretty, feel pretty, be pretty).  I will take action to change my current employment status.

I am taking it day by day and some days are great, some are good and some I'd rather not talk about. But I know only I can get myself out of this emotional mess I am in and I can do it with support of wonderful friends and family like you all that cheer me up and cheer me on.

What's Eating Peanut?

I just tried googling info on mental health support just now, and its even more depressing to look at all these hot lines available. Am I really considering that I may need help from a Dr for this mess I feel inside? This just makes me feel even more weak and lost inside.

Let's back up.  Two days ago I was talking to a coworker about changes needed in my life. We talked about going back to school, and I told her about my blog. She mentioned mental health to me for free/low-cost health care.  She said a family member went there when they did not have insurance and needed help.

Yesterday I was talking to my dad about school and he said he can see that there is something else going on, something eating at me, maybe a bug inside me. He's right but I told him I don't know what it is, just a little bit of everything. We talked about my credit card debt, getting paid shit wages for a job that I need an associated degree for, being in love with my boyfriend but what if he just isn't the marrying kind (my dad reminded me I am losing worthy years for baby making), losing weight, the need to have higher self-esteem and hold my head up high. I had to rush to go help my bf but we hugged, said our I <3 you's, and he reminded me that he is there for me.  I am thankful for my supportive parents and glad to have them to talk to, but this opened the can of warms and now
the water works are open.

I talked to the bf a little last night about the way I've been feeling and he was supportive. I told him this is why I've been going to church more, and he said he thought that was a step in the right direction and hope it helps, but he is not interested at this time to go with me (I reminded him he is always welcome to join me).  He was nice and told me he loved me and was sorry he didn't notice. I told him I must be hiding it well then and its also because he makes me happy. He said I am the one in charge of my life and only I can change it, which I know. It's nice to have him by my side for support and to cheer me on but its hard when I am the only one running this race.

At this moment I am supposed to be getting ready to drive to Roseville for my sis-in-law's Dove Chocolate party that she is having for a semi-bday party for just girls.  I know I will feel better once I get there and get to see my adorable nephew, lil KC, but I am having a hard time getting ready.  I am an emotional train wreck now that the tip of the ice berg has broken and the russians are getting ready to attack. I am fighting off outbursts of tears and can't put on makeup when tears are just going to smear it all over.

I can do this. I can make myself pretty, put on some cute clothes and make the hour treck solo. I will put on a happy face and have fun.  There will be chocolate after all...there better be chocolate to eat or someone will get hurt.  And shopping always makes me feel better so maybe I'll find some chocolate to buy.

I can do this... one step at a time....Wish me luck world!

Peanut Update

Wow, so much for being consistent with blogging, eh? Haven't posted anythin in over a year. Not much has changed since my last post either. The preschool job is great, but pay could be more. Happy I get payed vacation and sick leave though, so thats a plus. This year teaching is going better, now that I have a bit of routine down. My students are great and staff I work with is great!

I am in just about the same spot in my Mary Kay business. I have 8 team members but 3-5 active at a time. I have not been a Star Consultant for at least a year. My customer base has grown some, but not enough to keep me consistent in my sales.

Still dating my same wonderful guy. 4.5 years and going strong. Some say it is time for a wedding, which I have been planning for the past 3 years. When the time is right it will happen. Every relationship is different and our time has not come yet, but I think this year may be our year! He is supportive of everything "me" and truly loves me unconditionally.

I still split my weeks between his house and my parents. I like to think I am lucky to have the best of both worlds with 2 closets. lol! my parents are a wonderful support system in my life and always have been.

I have a new nephew!! He is my other love of my life! brother and sister-in-law welcomed him into the world on October 25th.  His initials are KC which are same as mine, and I like to think of this as just a little extra way to bond us together. I love Ben's neice and nephew too, and enjoy playing with them and shopping with them, but lil KC is blood...not sure if that's why but I truly feel a connection with him and cant get enough of his cuddles and coo's right now.

So, I am really going to try to stay positive and not pick on myself but at the same time be honest with myself and with you my readers.  I think I have been a bit depressed over the last few (6-8) months. I have slowly lost motivation or drive for a lot of things, like my MK business, my health and looks.  I have let myself gain more weight then I ever thought I would trying to convince myself that I am just meant to be plus-size.  I have let my customers down in my business by not staying in contact with them as frequently as I should. I ave not been eating as healthy as I can be.  I haven't reached out to my friends as often as I should via emails or phone calls.  And emotionally I am not happy.  There, I said it.  Its not because of any one thign in particular but me, the happy go-lucky bubbly peanut is not happy.  As one Mary Kay director said "Sometimes we are like a toy and become broken or our batteries die" and that is what I feel like: a broken toy but no one can fix me or recharge my batteries but myself.  Then I start this mental cycle of denial asking myself "What do I have to be depressed about?" I have  everything I could want, and the means to achieve more when I want it. Then I feel guilty about thinking of myself as being depressed and try to to just push those thoughts in the back of my head.  I nap more and dont need to, I don't work out or exercise regularly (chasing 3-4 year olds around for a few hours a day does not count as physical activity), and I love my tv shows and books.  All this has been escapes for me to push off daily tasks I should be doing and pushing negative thoughts in the back of my head.  Now it has all caught up with me.

My mom has always said when we have someting dwelling inside of us we should pray about it.  So I finally did start to pray.  I am a religious girl that grew up going to church.  But throughout my twenties I have made a church a convenience for myself.  Lose a boyfreind and go to church because suddenly my Sundays are available.  Get a new boyfriend and slowly stop going to church, telling myself and others "its ok because I have God in my heart and we still talk (when I need him more than to thank him for what I have in my life)."  So I prayed for something to save me, for miraculous sales to happen in my MK business without me trying, for me to just appear thinner overnight maybe, for things to just happen without me working for them basically.  Because after all, I was praying to him which is what we are taught to do.  But....was I listening? Was he telling me what steps I need to take first and was I following them? No. Not until I read a book  called "White Chocolate Moments" about a young girl finding (for the first time) a relationship with God, a personal relationship that included prayer and seeking God for everything in our lives (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and worshiping God our Savior the way we are taught.  She did all this after having some tragedies in her life and yes, God was good to her throughout those times in her life but she didn't realize it until later. 

So I went to church.  I thought ok, God, if this is what you want from me, Im here.  I'll go to Church, open my Bible and listen to your word. It was the first Sunday of December, and wow...I was standing there singing hymms with the congregation when I felt Him.  I truly felt His presence.  I started crying.  I was embarrassed and hoped no one saw me and tried to dry my tears but it was a powerful time in church that day.  I realized I need to find my personal relationship again and that like all relationships, it works both ways.  I have been back to church a few times and it feels good.  I feel like now I understand some of the steps I need to take to heal my body spiritually and emotionally that will help me mentally and physically.

Now that I have got all the negative out and on here, I am not letting it back in.  Its a new year full of optimism and I am in control.  So watch out world, here come some changes!  I have a Kindle that I got for Christmas thanks to my wonderful boy, and I downloaded the Holy Bible and nightly devotions on it that i will be doing every night while reflecting on the positves of my day so I can go to sleep with a clear and happy mind.  I am going to be more  scheduled with exercising, including walking and possibly a gym membership.  I am going to stay positive and keep my chin up.  I turn 29 at the end of this month and I know this is my year! Its my year to get things moving for the positive for me! I am not doing this to please anyone but myself.  

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am off for some exercise around the block on this beautiful January day!