What's Eating Peanut?

I just tried googling info on mental health support just now, and its even more depressing to look at all these hot lines available. Am I really considering that I may need help from a Dr for this mess I feel inside? This just makes me feel even more weak and lost inside.

Let's back up.  Two days ago I was talking to a coworker about changes needed in my life. We talked about going back to school, and I told her about my blog. She mentioned mental health to me for free/low-cost health care.  She said a family member went there when they did not have insurance and needed help.

Yesterday I was talking to my dad about school and he said he can see that there is something else going on, something eating at me, maybe a bug inside me. He's right but I told him I don't know what it is, just a little bit of everything. We talked about my credit card debt, getting paid shit wages for a job that I need an associated degree for, being in love with my boyfriend but what if he just isn't the marrying kind (my dad reminded me I am losing worthy years for baby making), losing weight, the need to have higher self-esteem and hold my head up high. I had to rush to go help my bf but we hugged, said our I <3 you's, and he reminded me that he is there for me.  I am thankful for my supportive parents and glad to have them to talk to, but this opened the can of warms and now
the water works are open.

I talked to the bf a little last night about the way I've been feeling and he was supportive. I told him this is why I've been going to church more, and he said he thought that was a step in the right direction and hope it helps, but he is not interested at this time to go with me (I reminded him he is always welcome to join me).  He was nice and told me he loved me and was sorry he didn't notice. I told him I must be hiding it well then and its also because he makes me happy. He said I am the one in charge of my life and only I can change it, which I know. It's nice to have him by my side for support and to cheer me on but its hard when I am the only one running this race.

At this moment I am supposed to be getting ready to drive to Roseville for my sis-in-law's Dove Chocolate party that she is having for a semi-bday party for just girls.  I know I will feel better once I get there and get to see my adorable nephew, lil KC, but I am having a hard time getting ready.  I am an emotional train wreck now that the tip of the ice berg has broken and the russians are getting ready to attack. I am fighting off outbursts of tears and can't put on makeup when tears are just going to smear it all over.

I can do this. I can make myself pretty, put on some cute clothes and make the hour treck solo. I will put on a happy face and have fun.  There will be chocolate after all...there better be chocolate to eat or someone will get hurt.  And shopping always makes me feel better so maybe I'll find some chocolate to buy.

I can do this... one step at a time....Wish me luck world!