Peanut Update

Wow, so much for being consistent with blogging, eh? Haven't posted anythin in over a year. Not much has changed since my last post either. The preschool job is great, but pay could be more. Happy I get payed vacation and sick leave though, so thats a plus. This year teaching is going better, now that I have a bit of routine down. My students are great and staff I work with is great!

I am in just about the same spot in my Mary Kay business. I have 8 team members but 3-5 active at a time. I have not been a Star Consultant for at least a year. My customer base has grown some, but not enough to keep me consistent in my sales.

Still dating my same wonderful guy. 4.5 years and going strong. Some say it is time for a wedding, which I have been planning for the past 3 years. When the time is right it will happen. Every relationship is different and our time has not come yet, but I think this year may be our year! He is supportive of everything "me" and truly loves me unconditionally.

I still split my weeks between his house and my parents. I like to think I am lucky to have the best of both worlds with 2 closets. lol! my parents are a wonderful support system in my life and always have been.

I have a new nephew!! He is my other love of my life! brother and sister-in-law welcomed him into the world on October 25th.  His initials are KC which are same as mine, and I like to think of this as just a little extra way to bond us together. I love Ben's neice and nephew too, and enjoy playing with them and shopping with them, but lil KC is blood...not sure if that's why but I truly feel a connection with him and cant get enough of his cuddles and coo's right now.

So, I am really going to try to stay positive and not pick on myself but at the same time be honest with myself and with you my readers.  I think I have been a bit depressed over the last few (6-8) months. I have slowly lost motivation or drive for a lot of things, like my MK business, my health and looks.  I have let myself gain more weight then I ever thought I would trying to convince myself that I am just meant to be plus-size.  I have let my customers down in my business by not staying in contact with them as frequently as I should. I ave not been eating as healthy as I can be.  I haven't reached out to my friends as often as I should via emails or phone calls.  And emotionally I am not happy.  There, I said it.  Its not because of any one thign in particular but me, the happy go-lucky bubbly peanut is not happy.  As one Mary Kay director said "Sometimes we are like a toy and become broken or our batteries die" and that is what I feel like: a broken toy but no one can fix me or recharge my batteries but myself.  Then I start this mental cycle of denial asking myself "What do I have to be depressed about?" I have  everything I could want, and the means to achieve more when I want it. Then I feel guilty about thinking of myself as being depressed and try to to just push those thoughts in the back of my head.  I nap more and dont need to, I don't work out or exercise regularly (chasing 3-4 year olds around for a few hours a day does not count as physical activity), and I love my tv shows and books.  All this has been escapes for me to push off daily tasks I should be doing and pushing negative thoughts in the back of my head.  Now it has all caught up with me.

My mom has always said when we have someting dwelling inside of us we should pray about it.  So I finally did start to pray.  I am a religious girl that grew up going to church.  But throughout my twenties I have made a church a convenience for myself.  Lose a boyfreind and go to church because suddenly my Sundays are available.  Get a new boyfriend and slowly stop going to church, telling myself and others "its ok because I have God in my heart and we still talk (when I need him more than to thank him for what I have in my life)."  So I prayed for something to save me, for miraculous sales to happen in my MK business without me trying, for me to just appear thinner overnight maybe, for things to just happen without me working for them basically.  Because after all, I was praying to him which is what we are taught to do.  But....was I listening? Was he telling me what steps I need to take first and was I following them? No. Not until I read a book  called "White Chocolate Moments" about a young girl finding (for the first time) a relationship with God, a personal relationship that included prayer and seeking God for everything in our lives (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and worshiping God our Savior the way we are taught.  She did all this after having some tragedies in her life and yes, God was good to her throughout those times in her life but she didn't realize it until later. 

So I went to church.  I thought ok, God, if this is what you want from me, Im here.  I'll go to Church, open my Bible and listen to your word. It was the first Sunday of December, and wow...I was standing there singing hymms with the congregation when I felt Him.  I truly felt His presence.  I started crying.  I was embarrassed and hoped no one saw me and tried to dry my tears but it was a powerful time in church that day.  I realized I need to find my personal relationship again and that like all relationships, it works both ways.  I have been back to church a few times and it feels good.  I feel like now I understand some of the steps I need to take to heal my body spiritually and emotionally that will help me mentally and physically.

Now that I have got all the negative out and on here, I am not letting it back in.  Its a new year full of optimism and I am in control.  So watch out world, here come some changes!  I have a Kindle that I got for Christmas thanks to my wonderful boy, and I downloaded the Holy Bible and nightly devotions on it that i will be doing every night while reflecting on the positves of my day so I can go to sleep with a clear and happy mind.  I am going to be more  scheduled with exercising, including walking and possibly a gym membership.  I am going to stay positive and keep my chin up.  I turn 29 at the end of this month and I know this is my year! Its my year to get things moving for the positive for me! I am not doing this to please anyone but myself.  

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am off for some exercise around the block on this beautiful January day!